Geneocide says::
It’s
the 4th anniversary of my 25th birthday. Woopie doo.
Each
year I fall into a bout of depression in the weeks leading up to my birthday
and it gets worse as the days draw closer. It’s the one time a year i whine like a bitch. I get unreasonable, short fused and highly
sensitive. And don’t tell me that “oh, it’s okay for guys to be older, blah blah
blah.” I’m not upset about growing old, I’m just upset. Period. I am aware of
these emotions, but I’m unable to do anything to prevent myself from reacting
negatively. I’m sure the girls can empathize with me.
Note
to self: that was really uncool, Gene. You need to de-pussify yourself
damnit.
This year’s depressive streak is quite different. Intense. Darker. Almost
sentient.
A
couple of years ago, I set out to create a business from scratch. It was
supposed to be my ticket to financial and personal freedom. To be able to
choose my own destiny and mould other’s destiny along with mine.
Some
things have got to give in order to achieve greater glory. Freedom has a price
and I’m willing to pay for it. I stopped hanging out with my friends because that
would mean wasting time and good money on alcohol. I stopped learning to play
the guitar because that time spent could be put to better use developing the
business. The Relationship has got to take the backseat for the time being. If
she truly loves me, she’ll wait. After all, we’ve been together for a while,
what’s a little longer?
2008.
Today. Time has put a distant between my buddies and I. Sometimes we try to “catch
up” and relive the old times but the feeling just isn’t the same. It’s forced
pretense at its best. My guitar is covered with dust, the wood warped and its
string broken. Pretty much a reflection of what I have become. If my guitar
could talk, she’d probably say the same thing when she looked at me. Dusty, out
of tune and entirely warped. Relationship ended sometime last year. I’m not
sure when it withered out, but by the time she actually spoke to me about it,
it was too freakin’ late.
Business
took off somewhat. I have enough contracts in my lap to run the business for
the year smoothly. (Of cause ‘smoothly’
isn’t exactly smooth because our dear
God has a cruel sense of humor.)
Sweet
smell of freedom… but I ain’t breaking into a song and dance anytime soon. Finally
taking the time to raise my head from the blueprint of my life, I see nothing
around me. Bleak.
I
need to do something but I don’t have a plan yet. A friend over MSN suggested I
seek answers through Him. Can’t go wrong with that. So I did.
Dear
God, I need to get out of this rut. Now, I know you’re not big on direct
answers and you work in mysterious of ways. But for Chirst’s sake, could you just
tell it to me in my face what I…
*ding*
MSN window pops up…. 
Holy
mother of god....
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