tragicurlyhip's Xanga

Monday, March 31, 2008

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 01:02:33 GMT

Geneocide says::

It’s the 4^th anniversary of my 25^th birthday. Woopie doo.

Each year I fall into a bout of depression in the weeks leading up to my birthday and it gets worse as the days draw closer. It’s the one time a year i whine like a bitch. I get unreasonable, short fused and highly sensitive. And don’t tell me that “oh, it’s okay for guys to be older, blah blah blah.” I’m not upset about growing old, I’m just upset. Period. I am aware of these emotions, but I’m unable to do anything to prevent myself from reacting negatively. I’m sure the girls can empathize with me.

Note to self: that was really uncool, Gene. You need to de-pussify yourself damnit.

This year’s depressive streak is quite different. Intense. Darker. Almost sentient.

A couple of years ago, I set out to create a business from scratch. It was supposed to be my ticket to financial and personal freedom. To be able to choose my own destiny and mould other’s destiny along with mine.

Some things have got to give in order to achieve greater glory. Freedom has a price and I’m willing to pay for it. I stopped hanging out with my friends because that would mean wasting time and good money on alcohol. I stopped learning to play the guitar because that time spent could be put to better use developing the business. The Relationship has got to take the backseat for the time being. If she truly loves me, she’ll wait. After all, we’ve been together for a while, what’s a little longer?

2008. Today. Time has put a distant between my buddies and I. Sometimes we try to “catch up” and relive the old times but the feeling just isn’t the same. It’s forced pretense at its best. My guitar is covered with dust, the wood warped and its string broken. Pretty much a reflection of what I have become. If my guitar could talk, she’d probably say the same thing when she looked at me. Dusty, out of tune and entirely warped. Relationship ended sometime last year. I’m not sure when it withered out, but by the time she actually spoke to me about it, it was too freakin’ late.

Business took off somewhat. I have enough contracts in my lap to run the business for the year smoothly. (Of cause ‘smoothly’ isn’t exactly smooth because our dear God has a cruel sense of humor.)

Sweet smell of freedom… but I ain’t breaking into a song and dance anytime soon. Finally taking the time to raise my head from the blueprint of my life, I see nothing around me. Bleak.

I need to do something but I don’t have a plan yet. A friend over MSN suggested I seek answers through Him. Can’t go wrong with that. So I did.

Dear God, I need to get out of this rut. Now, I know you’re not big on direct answers and you work in mysterious of ways. But for Chirst’s sake, could you just tell it to me in my face what I…

*ding* MSN window pops up….

Holy mother of god....

The old who are the forgotten

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 08:20:28 GMT

Old age.
A topic which makes me feel pity, regret and isolation. Sadness mostly.

The aged are but the forgotten, in their dingy and dark homes, and when they meet with an accident, you see them in hospitals, all alone, curled up and desolate. It grabs at my heart, pulls and refuses to let go. Is this a fate which must befall us all? is it inevitable? that people do not want to be with the old and the destitute. Visits at CNY and other festive occasions are usually met with obligatory greetings and the giving of ang baos, and thats it! you can't wait to get away from them, to move on with your own existence.

Loneliness is something which every human does not deserve to have, yet how is it that old people end up surviving all alone, depressed and on the verge of suicide? How is it that our society has degenerated to such a point?

The young, do not forget, you will get there some day too.

Jazz..

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 07:56:52 GMT

Jazz.. is such an amazing genre of music.
It fits every mood.
When i'm feeling down and alone, it fits my pensiveness exactly... the strains sound so pensive and lonely in the dark vast night.
When I feel too emotional, I can touch the detached quality of the music that reminds me that not everything matters. Nothing matters.
When I feel romantic, the music dances together with me.

When i just feel that all is not right, when i feel all frazzled and bruised, jazz is like a soothing balm unto me.

It is such sweet sorrow.

-acaseofyou

Ear plugs

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 00:42:37 GMT

I'm addicted to ear-plugs. when i sleep.
Why, it resulted from this particular night when i felt that the ticking of my clock was especially loud, and the pots and pans banging around in the kitchen in the early morning nearly drove me nuts. probably a result of moving bedrooms. No, I'm not gonna let this cause dark eye rings, and so I had this brilliant idea of ear plugs!!! I happily went to the pharmacy, and bought a pair for $1.20. Problem solved...
Until.. I started to have disconcerted thoughts of going for 1 night without ear plugs. I mean, what if I lose them in the dark depths of my mattress? Until i thought, what if I travel, and you all know strange places sure have strange noises..so what, am i gonna have to survive on ear plugs for the rest of my life? I'm also afraid that it may affect my ear tunnels in the long run - no air circulation, u know?
Yes, I've also told about 3 people so far, in an effort for suggestions to wean me off them, all of whom had responses from disbelief *incredulous look*, and *you're crazy* looks, but.. no suggestions. So, in desperation, I'm throwing it to the floor. so now, my (aha) deep dark secret is out...
Does anyone else have this problem? or knows anyone with this problem?
what should I do...

-acaseofyou

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Sat, 06 May 2006 07:14:57 GMT

Edit: I did it! finally posted it. now keeping my fingers crossed for a reply...
___________________________________
Fear and trembling, leads to doubt and procrastination, which in turn leads to regret. I really don't want to go down that route, and i think regret among the worst of all emotions. If i could eradicate that totally, I would do anything to achieve it. And now I find myself somewhere between the first and second stage, which would invariably lead me to that which i fear most. Has anyone of you read 'The Alchemist' by Paulo Coelho?If so, then you would know exactly what I'm talking about.

Among my greatest dreams in life is to have a career that I love, and all my life I've wanted to be a journalist or writer. Its only at this late stage that I'm beginning to go pursue it, but simply because writing is so important to me, that I'm afraid of failing to even get it, of being told I'm not good enough, or even worse, discovering I don't even want it as a career and eventually what I love would become something that I begin to dread. So sometimes I think, maybe I should keep it as a leisure pursuit.
So, I've been pursuing some contacts for feature writing, nothing serious. But everytime I look at that SPH application form and cover letter I've printed out and put in my in-tray, I can taste that feeling of doubt coming over me, of wanting to take that giant step but not being able to accept rejection. And so, that application remains in the in-tray of my life, but would I ever have the courage to take that leap of faith. Couple that with developments at work and I can safely say i'm in a stage of limbo.
sigh...

-acaseofyou

Christians vs non-Christians

Mon, 10 Apr 2006 12:43:55 GMT

A realization just hit me like a thunderbolt.
My department is split equally between Christians and non-Christians.
Let me describe the behavioural characteristics of these 2 groups.
Group A:
Petty, cowardly, dishonest, scheming, backstabber, gossiper, bully, lazy, stupid, fake and unhelpful

Group B:
Smart, hardworking, honest, gives credit when its due, sincere, lends support when needed, team player, funny, ethical and trustworthy

I almost cried when i realised the Christians were Group A.

Yes, behaving exactly like the characteristics above yet openly proclaims that they're Christians and uses God as an excuse for everything.
I had similar observations from other people in their firms, so there you go. I wonder what goes through their minds at church, probably how to scheme best, next.

-acaseofyou

Geneocide saez:: Mad Season

Sat, 25 Mar 2006 03:48:21 GMT

Now I’m back from the atmosphere, with drops of Lim Chu Kang in my hair…

No need to thank me, I was just doing my job protecting the nation so that you nice folks can sleep soundly at night. 20 days of reservist have made me shed some kilos. Now I need to maintain this sort of workout regime then perhaps my New Year’s resolution might actually work out.

Anyhow, it was this Psycho chick’s birthday yesterday and we met up after a year since she last left for “Honolulu” and “San Francisco”. Trivia of the Day: Did you know that if you receive an overseas call from a payphone in San Francisco, it will display the caller’s local Singapore mobile number on your caller ID display? I never knew that…. The story of our “relationship” is a long and tedious one to write in this blog. Apparently I led her to believe that I am madly in love with her and wished for a committed relationship that involves lots of kinky sex by agreeing to go out on one afternoon coffee date.

In true Flo fashion, Song called midway through my dinner and said he needed me at a meeting urgently. By this time, I have had a record total of 4 hours of sleep in 3 days. People who know me knows that I require at least 8 hours of sleep, 3 meals a day and 1 blowjob a night or I get very, very cranky. So I was really, really cranky. Somehow from past experience, I know that such urgency usually results in me having to repeat the story of the boy who cried wolf. We never learnt our lesson… and so off I went for meeting number one, with Psycho in tow.

That meeting turned out to be little more then an exchange of a few sentences and a quick conclusion. Just as I thought my night can’t get any more exciting then this, a busty chick in white tank top waved at me from across the bar. Hey, must be my lucky day. I beckoned her over….

You know how it sucks when someone calls you by first name and you have no bloody clue who he or she is? Oh the plot thickens.

Busty Chick: Hi Eugene
Gene: Hey how ya doin sweetness?

BC: I’m good. I missed you, you said you were going to cook for me. When?!
-long pause to search database of girly mug shots and list of promises-
Gene: You must have heard me wrong girl. I must have said “Look for you”.

BC: No no no, I remember everything about you very clearly that night.
Gene: I must have made a terrible impression then.

BC: No, you made a fine impression then. You’re making a bad impression now… You have forgotten me haven’t you.

Oh my fucking god. She caught my bluff. She’s got one up on me. The rest of the conversation isn’t important. It’s mainly her going psycho about how I could have forgotten about her. Honestly, I remember people, I just don’t remember names. And I never ever promise anyone that I’m going to cook for them. It’s just not something I would say even when I’m drunk. Throughout the nigh, I was subjected to more riddles and repeated “How could you not even know my name!” During this mini blame-game, Psycho 1 was adding fuel to fire by telling Psycho 2 about how I cheated on her when we were dating. So here I have in my arms two crazy chicks discussing about a life I never had.

On the subject of Singapore guys' dress sense

Fri, 24 Mar 2006 01:25:09 GMT

Now, at the risk of offending the numerous Sporean male egos out there, I can't hold my opinion on their dress sense in anymore.
Top dress eye-sores that Sporean males make:
1. Bermudas/jeans and t-shirts: whats up with wearing them in the midst of cool town districts, concert halls and posh restaurants? I've even spotted a few ratty t-shirts in Zouk. Please dress for the occasion, and respect the establishment.
2. T-shirts with bloody stupid slogans on them: Please don't wear them unless u're a thai/china/indian construction worker who has no money to buy proper shirts.
3. Tops tucked tightly into bermudas/other bottoms: Please don't wear it in that uncle/tired husband on grocery trip/family outing style unless u look like a gorgeous nerd.
4. Very short shorts: strictly reserved for acting cool faggots and 'i-wanna-come-out-of-the-closet' gays. It DOES NOT make straight men look cool, believe me. even worse for non-goodlooking straights.
5. Headgear: Save for normal caps, please don't attempt to wear cool headgear aka rap groups or rock bands unless u're genuinely cool, or very young.
6. Bloody take off that tie after work already!! especially when u're dancing in a club/hanging out in pubs. what are you trying to prove, that u're so successful but u still need a tie to attract chicks?

If inspiration fails to strike, pay a visit to zara, at least.

-acaseofyou

Poetry Slams

Fri, 24 Mar 2006 01:09:34 GMT

Can anyone tell me why aren't there any poetry slams in Singapore. I thought they used to hold an occasional one at Zouk, I wonder what happened to it.

-acaseofyou

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 01:04:29 GMT

Geneocide saez:: What am I?

These days I get stumped whenever I’m asked this question, “What’s your occupation?”

I’m err…hmm…

1) a bummer

2) an entrepreneur

3) a businessman

4) all of the above

Things get even more interesting when its an online form. The pre-determined what is an allowable occupation and choices a, b and c is not an option. I’m not quite a bummer cause I do work. I’m an entrepreneur cause I initiate my own business, but then again, I could jolly well be self-employed or business owner. And should I be a business owner with 3 companies under my name, does that make me a businessman?

Some of you smart alecs might interject at this point and yell with a smirk, “Ah, then your occupation is a Director”

Well, theoretically, Yes. Financially, No. Not much respect in a director driving a Toyota Altis and still living with his parents is there? Until I can afford to live my own life comfortably, I try to avoid using director wherever possible.

So, what am I?